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01:30am 01/12/2013
  Dear Friend,

Over the last few week I've learned so much about my self. I've reflected the on the thing the meant most to me and I'm sadden to look back. I've realized that the person who I love more than anything in this world should have left a long time ago. I was never there for her and I was never committed to her as I thought I was. I never once cheated on her but I lied. I lied so many times. I wasn't as honest as I should have been. I'm ashamed of myself. I don't know if she will ever give me a chance to show her that I will give my life for her. I mean I would sacrifice anything and everything to make her my wife. The one thing I only wanted was for her to be my wife. I never gave much effort in what it took for me to be her husband.

I've thought about how I treated her while she was away. To be honest friend, I hated that she left. I hated that she didn't think about how I felt. I hated the people she was with. I'm not sure I ever got over that. I was extremely jealous that she went to Australia. I wanted to go. I wanted to see the world with her. I hated her for leaving. i wanted her here with me. I wish I could go back and handle this different.

I'm not sure it would be ok for me to let her know this now. I broken to think that I would never have the chance to let her know how I feel and how I felt.

I took her for granted thinking she would never leave. I took advantage of her. I hate myself for this. She is the most loving person I've ever met. She loved me with all her heart and I didn't in return. Over the last eight year I never once took her on a vacation just us two. I never once got her the gifts she deserved for Christmas, valentines, her birthday, and our anniversary. I'm a terrible person.

There's a lot of work to do. I hope she can see the changes I've made. I hope its not too late. I hope she still thinks of me at night. I hope she still smiles when she thinks of me.
 
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sometimes being scared is what makes you happy.    
01:01am 02/10/2013
  ive had days with out sleep and still i my heart beats. ill spill my heart on this page tonight and ill watch it bleed. for you i will spill my everything. just know that it was you who gave me my everything. i can type this story over and over again and this will be unchanged. ill keep this short and sweet. ill keep this as simple as possible. ill burn in love that was never shared. please dont be scared. just hold my hand as we walk and listen as we talk of better day of you and i. of you and i...  
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01:16am 02/12/2012
  my friend.
so many moons have past since we last met. please forgive me. i might as well save this intro as a template. it seems as if i begin every entry like this. anyways. i know you've been a loyal friend. always here to listen and read. i thank you.

over the last year a few moments stand out in my mind i will never forget. it is sad to say that the year only produced enough memories to be counted on one hand...ill leave it at that.
 
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02:37am 10/03/2011
  i miss her so much. you would think as the days pass by it would get essier. well its not. im going crazy thinking its been a month and sooner or later were going to eventually stop talking as much and next thing you know shes dateing someone else. that will break me. i dont want to see anyone else i dont wanna be with anyone else. i know shes the one for me. i gotta be strong. not only for me but for her. nite.  
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to die by ur side...   
01:30am 15/02/2011
  i feel like im having more and more of these nights. the ones where i find my self listening to the same song over and over. on repeat. the nights where i find my self thinking about what could've been and what it has been. im not complaining but im just pointing out the fuck ups ive made. theres about two thoughts that run in mind as often as the sing thats playing right now. the song? dont worrie about that. but its keeping me from falling apart.

i dont know why i keep thinking that one day ill hear im sorry. i know youre happy. im happy for you. just remember one thing. im standing right here. i've never left.
 
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12:13pm 18/07/2010
  when i see her theres nothing better. this time its gonna kill me. i think the time has come to really let go. the past couple of weeks has been a transition fase. i think it now time. after this there is no hanging out. there is no time to chill. no move movie nights. no more tv nights. its over. its over. last night eventhough i loved every second of i still cannot let my feelings get to me. i know shes hurting. and time and space and everything else that she wants ill give to her. and time will be on my side. she will realize we had something so amazing. she cant let it go. babe i love you.

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11:53pm 17/07/2010
  i know its wrong but it feels so right. i know i shouldnt be doing this but its the only thing that feels right. i love you so much. i know this is gonna kill me. but i love you.

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11:48am 14/07/2010
  sunlight though the trees
the sun never felt the same.
this pen has been waiting
it knew its call had come.
please dont she said
but he had to try.
hold on he said
just think this over again.
the sound of her voice was not the same
the words were nothing of love.
this page is hiding
read it closely.
i love you...

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07:11am 14/07/2010
  i really dont think she knows whats about to happen. see heres the thing. she thinks it time we move on. fair enough. but we both know that thats impossible. last night we were headed to the movies. we get to her car and her radiator is leeking all over the place. so whos car do you think shes taking to work today? mine. i have no problem with that. i couldve been an ass and say hey were no longer together so good luck trying to get to work. but im not like that. she knows that. and i think as time passes she realize that ill always be there for her. i think we both know deep down inside that this is just temporary break up. scared? yeah a little. heard broken? definitly. but i know all will be well. alls fair...

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01:35am 13/07/2010
  and thats that...

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12:53am 11/07/2010
  the key board has been waiting for me to write to you. forgive me for this. some times i dont feel like talking. other times i cant keep quite. either way the words are hard to find. no word can be said or written to describe this feeling. you broke my heart. dont worry. it will mend eventually. its not your fault. for some reason i feel this has been planned for me. to fall in love. to be broken. confused. and. feeling like ive always felt. i dont think ive ever told you. maybe i have. it doesnt matter now. theres more to the story. to make this short and sweet. i still love you. im here. day. night. im here.....   
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06:17pm 05/07/2010
  times could be better...

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10:13am 28/06/2010
  this weekend was awesome. my babys birthday. we partied and had fun with friends and family. just got word that i might be transfered to another branch for a site supervisor position. so it looks like things are gonna start looking up. i just hope i can make things rights.

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what? ioce cream or pb&j?   
09:57pm 07/03/2010
  ok so this weekend was way too short. it started with a lazy night of movies with rosa. 3 ninjas and more than a game both are awesome. i love laying in bed laughing and saying lines to a movie weve seen 100 time. its awesome.
yesterday woke up for a run and it was fun. made me feel good. today its lazy day again before we i have to go to wrk. now its our TV night. alls fair...

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hello old friend   
07:49am 04/03/2010
  ok so the last time i posted i was interviewing for a position at the Y. ok so i left brooklyn and now back at dash with the Y. its not what i thought it was gonna be but im just gonna wait it out cuz it does give me more time for school. schools been going very well. im trying my best to get good grades and finally transfer to sdsu.

rosario and i are doing really well. love her more and more every day. i think ive found the girl im gonna marry however it not time just yet. we both have strong values and big goals we wanna accomplish before we take the leap.

im getting ready this year for a few tris and a helf marathon. i know right me running 13.1 miles is crazy but im doing it for a great cause. MS. i cant remember if i told you but rosarios dad ad my tia have MS. rosario and i are very commited to the MS society. i feel very proud of the work we do. im growing my beard till august so thats pretty awesome. haha

so yeah everything right now is going ok. work could be better but i guess thats always the case. baseball season in fastly approaching and im excited!
alls fair...

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update   
11:05am 28/09/2009
  hey there. so lets see. whats been going on? ok so im now in a new class at wrk with lupe and michelle. its awesome. theyre the best. still have to deal with ms. a but its ok. lupe keeps her in check. haha. but hopefully i wont have to put up with any of this shit much longer. im interviewing for a supervisor position with the ymca tomorrow. hopefull it goes weel. other than that i think everything been great. this sunday i race mission bay in a relay with rosario and our friend chris. its gonna be a good time. this past friday i finaly saw the get up kids. amazing! it was so much fun. anywho. ill post again later. alls fair...

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work   
03:15pm 25/08/2009
 
mood: haha
lets see. i have about 2? mins left of my work day and i really hate it here. i just got word that theres gonna be a lot of shit going down in the next couple of weeks. i cant stand my supervisor and a few of the other peeps i work with.
i hope max my neigbor can hook it up with a job. i can stand it here anymore. this bitch sandra is annoying, dee is in everyones shit. its like bitch geta life, ms. a its lady why the fuck are u still working. and kathy. hahaha.....ok now kathy. this bitch needs to pull whatever the fuck she has stuck up her ass. this lady is suck a bitch. its like if ur gona bitch about everything cant u do that at home. why u gotta do that here at wrk. everyone sick of it. any ways. im getting ready to leave wrk now. ill post later....
alls fair...

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at least theres a/c   
07:49pm 24/08/2009
 
mood: save me.
im sitting here in the living room of my girl friends grandmas house. and i feel completly lost. see she has family from out of town. from mexico. and ive never meet them before. well i think ive meet them once. anyways. they speak lil to no english. now i spea spanish very well but its kinda hard when u dont know them ya know. its just akward and weird. i dont know i guess i just wanna go home. its funny cuz she barly know who they are its like why do i have to get to know thenm. akward. shes speaks no spanish so that makes it even more dificult. anyways. its hot in here theres a lot people. her cousins dont listen and theyre running al over the place. i cant stand being home but i dont wanna stay here. so i guess ill just stay in my car. at least theres a/c.
alls fair...

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09:28am 19/08/2009
  ok i havent posed in a long time. i guess i just have more important thing to worrie about. lets see. i cant remember what i posted last time. but for this time. im getting ready to get back to school in a couple of weeks. i feel awesome. trianing is awesome. and now im a few day away from my second triathlon. rosario and i are doing well. i love her more than anything. so far so good. oh but wrk. ok wrk sucks. i need a new job. i hate the place i wrk. i cant stand some of the people i work with. hey i got to go. update late.

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12:10am 08/02/2009
  Dear journal,

i know its been a long while since the last time we meet. it always seems to start like this and im sorry. im completly lost here. so many things to say but i just cant find the words to say...weve parted ways. i guess thats the best way to say it. i cant even begin to think how my life will be with out her. im not ready to take my first steps with out her. this came as a surprise to me. i guess i wasnt ready for this. to be honest i know this is the best thing for us. im just selfish and wish it was going to be like this. i guess this is the best way for the both of us. i cant see my self with anyone but her. shes the love of my life...
 
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